1 Month Until Step 2 Surgery

Saturday November 1st will begin the one month countdown until my second (and-fingers crossed-FINAL) step of the j-pouch surgery. 

Nov. 19th  I go into the doctor to have the pouch tested with a barium enema (hooray) followed by an x-ray.

Feelings? Thoughts?

When I first started living with my stoma, I hated it. I’ll be honest. I think it’s wonderful that some people are not grossed out by it, become attached to it, and even name it. I won’t hide it any longer. It has given me no pleasure to have that little red booger sticking out of my belly. Please don’t mistake my dislike for ungratefulness. I have been healthier in the last 2 months with my ileostomy than I have been in the last 2 years! I rejoice in participating in normal activities, having energy to last me an entire day, and eating most of the foods I couldn’t eat before. I cherish every day I have been living colon free and I appreciate it couldn’t be possible without this imperative interval with the ileostomy.

I am a squeamish person by nature. I despise creepy crawly things. I cringe at the sight of a needle. I nearly faint at the sight of blood. Of course, after my experiences with ulcerative colitis, you’d think I’d toughen up a little. Ha! No dice, friends. I have found solutions to deal with my fears, sure. I turn the other way and chat to someone while they poke and prod me with needles or draw blood. I stay as far away from creepy crawly things as possible (ie running in the opposite direction). The catch is I can’t do that when I have my own creepy crawly physically inhabiting the surface of my skin.

Confession Time: My mother (I don’t know how I could have accomplished this without her) helped me change my bag every 3 days thus far. How much of a sissy am I, right? I’m not proud of it. I’d have trouble even looking at the stoma (even in pictures!). When it sinks and rises like the waves of the sea I’d feel sick. In the process of changing the bag, sometimes it even let loose a couple of times like a mini volcanic eruption. Not pleasant. 

How ironic it is that one month before I must bid the bugger farewell that I be accustomed to its presence. I believe this is largely in part of the fact that I (excuse me, we) change the bag more frequently and even take it off before showering sometimes. I highly recommend going in the shower without a bag every now and then. It is a tremendous relief. Sidebar: As for the stoma releasing waste in the shower, no big deal, just clean up real good and I usually clean the shower afterward. I’ll do you one better: try popping a few big jet puffed marshmellows before you shower without the bag or even when you change it to slow down the digestion. it really does work! Anyway, being with the stoma in the shower, letting the hot water rinse it, and cleaning it with some fresh soap feels awesome! This may sound absurd, yet I am convinced the “alone” time I take with it has transformed my attitude towards it. I certainly don’t mind it as much now and it’s much easier to change the bag without feeling queasy or uncomfortable about the stoma. I don’t have to stare up at the ceiling anymore and mutter, “ew, ew, ew”. Wow, its sounds so childish now that I think about it. I’m actually embarrassed I just admitted that. Life cracks me up in the strangest ways.

Another (more legitimate) fear I am experiencing has been subtle, but steadily mounting as the days go one. As I recognize the beginning of the countdown, I begin to consider the idea of returning to the hospital. It was NOT easy the first time around. Nobody said it would be. With the help of many, many fabulous people in my life, I survived the first step. I think about what occurred and I wonder what will come. I do worry. I haven’t exactly been incredibly open about that aspect of myself, but ask anyone who’s close to me and they’ll tell you straight out: Stephanie worries…a lot! I worry more about this surgery than I did about the first one. The first time around I was ready to get rid of my UC. GET IT OUT OF ME!!!!!!!!! This time around I’m ready to eliminate the ileostomy. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!!!! PUT IT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS!!!!! I also comprehend and dread the possibility of complications with the j-pouch and the return of the ileostomy. It is something to be considered, however life with a permanent ileostomy is not the worst thing in the world. I can still live a perfectly normal life with it!

Sean and I talked about this fear;he was very sensible about it. “You can poop again!” Ha ha! No, he did say more than that. We discussed the notion of normalcy and how I’d be able to resume my life completely once this is all over. He understood my fears about going back into the hospital after what I’d gone through, yet remained firm about getting over the final hump.

A fellow j-poucher also acknowledged my concerns about going under the knife again. “It’s much easier this time around,” he reminded me. “You’ll be out there much sooner. I hardly used the pain meds after the second surgery.” He commented on something interesting; it seems backwards to go to the hospital when you feel so good. You’re afraid that you may get sick all over again and be forced to start from square one. He hit the nail on the head. This is precisely what vexes me! I had some issues after the first step; I don’t want any after this step.

My mother had this to say, “It’s okay to be scared. Look at it this way, most of the j-pouchers your age had problems after the first surgery. They healed beautifully following the second. Now they’re doing spectacularly well! Why shouldn’t you? You’re not sick anymore…”

All great advice. I don’t feel so silly about being worried. I have a number of brilliant projects and people occupying my time right now that I don’t have a moment to feel anxious! Tomorrow night, Sean and I are attending a big family Halloween party! We shall be dressed as the infamous Bonnie and Clyde! Saturday is another team Challenge training session to cheer on the great folks of Team Illinois! Maris and I are also planning a special charity fundraiser (can’t remember if I mentioned this in my last post so my apologies if this is a repeat) improv show (Sean’s idea). We united a fabulous group of old high school friends and fellow improvisers to become the GUT BUSTERS! We’re going to perform games and sketches (somewhat like Whose Line Is It Anyway? but we got our training from Second City and I.O. in Chicago), the theme of which is of course Crohn’s and Colitis. Maris and I are checking out a couple of possible venues at which to perform. I never realized how much planning was involved in such a fundraiser but every day is so exciting and I can’t wait to promote the cause for Crohn’s and Colitis! There is much work to be done, but I’m loving every minute of it! See what I mean, though? No time for worries, silly Steph! Carry on…

That’s all for now! I’d like to give a shout-out to Carmen, who will be having her step 2 surgery tomorrow! Good luck and best wishes for a quick recovery! You can visit her blog at http://carmenscolon.wordpress.com

Have a happy halloween everyone! Best of health!